Kid and Lou trotted down a winding country road together at harvest time, past a series of farms, workers busily bringing in the hay. They hadn't spoken a lot today, both were in pensive moods. It had been a difficult week, and both were eager to get back to "normal", whatever that was for a young couple who both ride for the Pony Express, one in disguise as a man.

Last week, Lou had finally told Kid her darkest secret, about Wicks' vicious attack on her when she was barely more than a little girl. Between recounting the events, even edited down, to Rachel and Kid, and reliving her brutal experience while held against a tree by her old childhood tormentor, Lou's nerves had been shattered. Since then, she seemed strangely timid, unlike herself; she'd been dressing more like a boy again, even around the bunkhouse where everyone already knew she was a young woman.

Worse still, the nightmares, which had been gone for years, started again. She'd woken repeatedly over the next two nights, screaming and drenched in sweat. Kid had soothed her back to sleep, but in her frenzy, she'd said enough that the other riders knew now, she'd been a victim of a brutal rape. A victim, she thought bitterly, the one thing she'd tried so hard not to be in their eyes. She'd fought harder than any of them, just to prove that she was their equal. Now, they all knew the one truth that, no matter what she did, she couldn't ever change. There was one way, one horrible way, that she could be hurt and humiliated, that they never could be.

Their sympathy and concern, however well-intentioned she knew it to be, was agony to her. Teaspoon had been kind, fatherly as always when the news reached him, but she squirmed inwardly when he tried to offer his infamous advice. No matter what he said, she believed the answer to her problems was to go back to pretending nothing had happened. Each of the riders approached Lou separately, to privately express their support; finally, after finding her weeping in despair after Cody had tried, kindly but blunderingly, to help, Kid had intervened by speaking to the riders and Teaspoon as a group, and telling them that to the extent possible, Lou would rather not discuss it, though she appreciated their kind wishes.

Lou had taken to sleeping in the barn when it was apparent that the nightmares were not abating after the first few night, rather than continue to put on a display for the other riders. Kid had insisted on sleeping with her out there, which had helped immensely. When clasped in his strong arms, the nightmares went away, to her relief.

Kid glanced over at Lou tiredly… he was exhausted from his vigil over her in the barn this last few days. She believed the nightmares had stopped. The truth was that by holding her in his arms all night, watching her sleeplessly, he was able to soothe her more quickly and she was able to drift back into deeper sleep without memory of her nighttime torture the next morning. When she started talking in her sleep, reliving what Wicks had done to her, Kid had spoken softly to her, reassuring her, all while she slept.

He was getting by on only a few hours of sleep a night as a result. Even those hours were becoming tormented to him as well. When telling Kid she'd been raped, she'd avoided getting into any specifics. It had emerged over the next days in the bunkhouse that Wicks had tormented her with a sadistic and inventive glee over several hours, and the entire story was repeatedly spilling from her in her sleep in grueling, chilling detail. Hearing her voice, childlike as if she were thirteen again, as she relived her personal hell each night was too much for him to bear, but he had to bear it anyway, that was all. Thankfully, her nightmares were becoming less and less frequent as time went on. He hoped that soon, they would be finished for good and they could return to the bunkhouse.

That said, though the barn was not the most comfortable place to sleep, and these nights had their share of torment, he would miss being alone with her all night when the time came. Even though sex was out of the question for the time being, the intimacy of holding her all night was a wonderful change from lying in his bunk below hers, only able to think wishfully about touching her. In many ways, he felt closer to her now than ever, now that she was finally letting him care for her and baby her a little. Part of him missed the spunky, irritable Lou who would normally have told him to shove off in no uncertain terms for even trying to coddle her, but he had a strong need to protect those he loved, that he was finally able to indulge in with her.

Lou stole a worried glance at Kid, who looked tired and drawn. She was concerned that he didn't seem to be getting past things as quickly as she was. Of course, she had his help and support, she thought guiltily. She, on the other hand, had been too upset and shaken to help with the effect this must be having on Kid. She'd tried to spare him too much knowledge of Wicks' abuse, but that had failed, miserably… all the riders knew each humiliating detail by now, thanks to her nightmares. She should let him know that he could count on her for support as well.

As she opened her mouth to tell him so, Kid leaned over and looked at Katy's left front hoof. "Does she seem like she's favoring that leg?" he asked, concerned. Lou considered it, watching for a few paces.

"Maybe a little. Why don't we stop and check her, and give her a little rest? We've got no schedule today."

Walking alongside their mounts toward the field, Kid spoke to the farmer who was heading in for lunch with his field hands after a morning of cutting and raking up the fall hay. Kid handed over some change, and soon Katy and Lightning were munching contentedly, and Kid and Lou climbed up onto the hay rick, sitting amid the loose, freshly cut hay. The smell of the fresh hay and the cool, bright autumn air helped to clear both their minds and spirits of their troubles, like cobwebs swept away by a broom.

Kid placed his arm protectively around her as they sat back against the hay, looking up into the sky. Following up on her earlier thoughts, Lou tickled him with a long stalk of hay under his chin. When he glanced at her, she said, awkwardly, "Kid? How… how are you doing these days? Everything okay?"

He nodded, not wanting to burden her any further with his own misery over what he had learned about her this last week, over his worry that she might never be a whole person. He'd realized, finally, why Lou was the way she was. Some people might have been crushed by her experiences, but Louise had fought back the only way she knew how -- by transforming herself into "Lou" to survive, and through an insatiable quest to prove to herself and everyone else that she was strong and independent. That drive was as strong as his need to protect her, and their two warring needs had driven them apart before.

She looked at him intently, scanning his face. He dropped his eyes and sat up to look over the horizon to avoid her scrutiny.

Her hand reached up to pull at his sleeve. He looked around reluctantly. Still lying back against the wagon, she murmured, " I know… this week … it's been hard for you. I know you're worried sick, and trying not to show it." He tried to speak and she shushed him. "You know, you don't have to always be the hero, Kid. I'm here to catch you when you fall too. " Her big eyes shone up at him, and she pulled him down for a lingering kiss. Their movement shifted the wagon just a bit, causing the hay to slide down around them, warm and fragrant.

Kid's heart swelled with emotion, as for the first time since her confession, she fumbled at his belt. He laid beside her passively, not helping her undo the buckle, letting her set the pace as she saw fit. Finally she removed the belt, and undid his pants. Lifting her head a little, she glanced around, assuring herself that no one was approaching, even as she slid her hand down, feeling his taut stomach, his groin, and traveling over the curls that surrounded his shaft. She found it, hard, and curled her fingers around it firmly, leaning in for another tender kiss as she started massaging him in the way she knew drove him crazy. His breath caught, and he buried his face in her neck, clutching at the back of her head, running his hands down her back.

He was reluctant to take any initiative with her, though he ached to undress her and please her as she was pleasing him. Kid settled for whispering his feelings in her ear. "You're in charge, Lou," he told her huskily. Lou was touched at his consideration, and picked up the pace for both of them.

Never stopping her movements with her small hand, that barely could circle him, she leaned back and unbuttoned her shirt for him with the other hand, before placing his own hand on one of her breasts. He marveled as always how his hand fit perfectly over her, and gently stroked her hardened nipple as he held her and kissed her mouth again. She continued to torment him with her hands, before removing more of her own clothing.

She slid out of her pants and long johns, leaving her naked from the waist down, with only her men's shirt hanging from her shoulders. She straddled him deliberately and sank down slowly on his shaft, before rocking back and forth in a riding motion over him. As often as they'd made love, oddly they had never tried this particular position, and she found the control and power over him, lying helpless with pleasure below her, was intoxicating. He trembled, letting her control the pace of their lovemaking. He realized, instinctively, that it was important for her to feel like she was in control, and he wanted her to have whatever she needed from him.

Lou looked down again at him, staring up at her, biting his lips in suppressed desire. She decided to torture him a little, slowly riding back and forth, clutching at him internally on the way up, and releasing on the way down. He groaned, clutching desperately with his fingertips into her hips and buttocks, panting and moaning slightly as he struggled for composure, trying not to interfere with her plans, whatever they were. Her hands were resting on his shoulders, her breasts thrusting forward into his chest every time she rose up toward him, grazing him with her nipples as she sank back down. As she found a pleasurable rhythm, her eyes glazed over and her breath started coming faster.

Kid held on to her bottom with both hands, watching her as she brought herself to the brink, flailing away above him frantically. He finally had to turn away, close his eyes, and steel himself, trying desperately not to come too soon and end this for her. Lou's voice cried out hoarsely, and he felt her muscles tighten in spasms around him. Even without looking at her, he couldn't contain himself at the sensation, and with a groan, released himself into her.

Her orgasm continued as he laid her gently back against the straw; her panting, moaning voice and squirming body was evidence of that. Within moments he was hard again, but unsure whether he should… she looked at him and parted her legs for him.

Without further hesitation he rolled on top of her, entering her again in their customary way. She was soaking wet and her muscles were still in spasm, adding to his own excitement, and he found himself unable to hold back this time. Her eyes were locked on his, encouraging him silently as she could not speak. That orgasm blended into another one for her, and he exploded into her yet again with a guttural cry.

Kid, exhausted from his release and the toll of the last week, held her underneath himself, overwhelmed with emotion. Minutes later, to her surprise, Lou realized that Kid was weeping silently against her shoulder.

Lou was frankly shocked; she had seen Kid with tears in his eyes only once, that awful day when they had gone their separate ways. She pushed him up and asked, worried, "Kid? What's wrong?"

Ashamed of his tears, he struggled to answer her. "I … I wish I could fix everything for you Lou… go back in the past and make everything different for you. I .. I can't explain it really," he told her, his utter exhaustion now evident in his face as well as his voice.

Lou wiped his face gently, glad he was finally expressing his feelings to her. "Well, you can't, Kid, nobody can change their own pasts … and though I wish certain things hadn't happened, they did, and it's part of what made me who I am now, and led me to you. So it's part of who we are together, too. We have to … just move past it now, go on from here best we can."

He nodded, kissing her gently in the hollow between her breasts. Glancing up, she noticed that the sun was at one o'clock; they'd better get moving out of here before the workers returned. They dressed and quickly picked up the straw that had worked its way out of the wagon and onto the ground during their lovemaking, and called to their horses, who'd wandered off across the field.

Swinging up onto their horses again, stiff and sore from their "roll in the hay", they looked at each other a final time before riding off past the returning harvesters, each thinking silently how lucky they each were to find the other, someone who would always be there to catch me when I fall.



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