A/N: This is a distant sequel to my AU story "A Respectable Living" posted at Writers Ranch. In that story, Kid first meets Lou working in a saloon. He convinces her to join the Express just before they move to Rock Creek. While I plan on writing one or more sequels that will come between "ARL" and this story, this bunny would not let me go, and I had to write it first. Lou and Kid sat on their front porch swing, enjoying the cool evening air and the respite from the heat of the day. The stars twinkled brightly above them, and the crickets and the creak of the swing were the only noises that broke the stillness of the night. Kid had his arm wrapped tightly around Lou's shoulders, and she leaned her head against his shoulder. The moment appeared perfect, just like what they had both imagined married life to be like. Working hard side-by-side on their ranch during the day, and enjoying some quiet time together at night. For the past six months, that had been their life, and for the most part, they were happy. When the air began to chill their bodies, Kid placed a gentle kiss on Lou's forehead. "Better head in now. It's getting late." He rose and held out his hand, drawing her into his embrace before leading her inside. After they entered their bedroom, Lou immediately blew out the lamp she had just placed on the dresser. Kid frowned as he listened to the sounds of her undressing in the dark, muttering a soft curse as she accidentally kicked the nightstand before climbing into bed. He wasn't sure why, but lately Lou had got into the habit of extinguishing the light before undressing, as if she were suddenly shy around him. It wasn't as though he expected her to be intimate with him every night, but she was taking away the simple pleasure of gazing at her body, even for a few moments. He sighed before stripping down to his long john bottoms and joining her in bed. She lay on her side, facing away from him. He snuggled close to her, reveling in the warmth that he could feel through her simple cotton nightgown. She shifted slightly, almost as if she were pulling away. The movement both hurt and frustrated Kid, but he tried to ignore it. He placed his arm around her waist, his hand resting on her flat stomach, stroking her lightly through the fabric. Lou tensed and hoped Kid couldn't sense her unease. Four days had passed since they last made love, and the looks of longing he gave her during the day made his desire clear. Even now, she felt his arousal pressed against her backside, and she wondered if she could put off the inevitable for another night. Kid never pressured her to make love - his was a gentle seduction - but her own guilt often motivated to give into his caresses. Now she waited. If he pursued something more, she would give in. After all, he did help me with the dishes and didn't complain a bit that the chicken was a little tough. And he gave me that flower that he picked and called me beautiful. He is a wonderful husband; he deserves it. That decided, she still hoped the experience would be quick. It wasn't awful or painful for her, but she always felt a little uncomfortable with the whole thing, especially when he touched her womanly areas. At first she had pushed his hands away, but after sensing his hurt feelings, she began to shift the focus to him, kissing his chest or stroking his manhood. He couldn't complain that she wasn't taking care of his needs, and she didn't have to deal with the jumble of memories and emotions that his touches stirred in her. His hand stilled, and she thought he might have decided to go to sleep. Just as she opened her mouth to say good night, she felt his hand drift up towards her breast. He kissed her shoulder and neck lightly, as he kneaded her breast with his palm. She sighed, out of both frustration and satisfaction. Lou did enjoy these moments of beginning and in spite of herself, felt chills race up and down her spine. These moments always reminded her of the passionate encounters they shared before they were married, times that always felt hurried and heated and heady with unfulfilled lust. Back then, she had been the pursuer, urging Kid for more than he wanted to give. Had it not been for his convictions that they should wait until marriage to make love, she had no doubt that they would have done so. Knowing her own sense of unworthiness and need to "earn" his love, he refused to give into temptation, so their first time together was their wedding night. Because it was his first time with anyone, she had done her best to make it special for him, focusing on giving him the most pleasure she could. Though hardly spectacular for her, she appreciated his strong reactions to her touches and kisses, and for a time she shared in his excitement and enthusiasm. As the months passed, Kid grew more confident in their lovemaking and sought to return the favor in giving her pleasure. Though she could not understand why, this was when Lou's frustrations began. Her reminisces ceased when Kid tenderly rolled her onto her back and rested his body on hers. His tongue swirled lightly around her lips, yielding a soft moan from her in response. He always was a great kisser, she thought as she captured his lips with her own. Their tongues danced sensually, and both reveled in the intimacy and electricity of the kiss. His hands resumed the caressing of her breasts, and she responded by lightly tracing her fingers across his chest. The passionate kisses and teasing exploration of one another continued for several minutes, and Lou felt the familiar rush of pleasure as well as the uncomfortable expectation of what was to follow. As if reading her thoughts, Kid began to lift her nightgown up, waiting for her to raise her arms so he could pull it over her head. Like an actor playing a part, she tugged his long john bottoms down until he kicked them off. In that moment, her body tensed, and an aching sadness washed over her, knowing that once again she would merely be an observer rather than a true participant in this act of pleasure. Kid resumed the hot kisses before moving his lips to her neck. He pressed his lips tenderly to her neck and down to her collarbone, pausing occasionally to erotically trace a pattern with his tongue. His hand massaged her breast lovingly, his thumb stroking her nipple with a feather touch. Soon his mouth followed his hands, kissing between and around her breasts. His tongue swirled around her nipple before capturing it between his teeth and sucking gently. Moving from their resting place around her waist, his hands traveled down her stomach, over her hips and rested on her thighs, running up and down. Alarm bells rang in Lou's mind, and she knew that soon she would need to take control. When his tongue began to slide down her belly, she rolled to her side, pushing Kid to his back. Grasping his hands and holding them at his sides, she kissed and licked his chest, nipping his nipples. Her mouth moved down his torso before encircling his manhood. Teasing him, her lips sucked lightly as he thrust in and out of her mouth. Hearing his moans begin to deepen, she lay beside him, pulling him to rest on top of her, guiding his member to her womanhood. When she felt him slide into her, she allowed him to take control, directing the speed of his thrusts. He held her close, and she returned the embrace, raking her fingernails down his back and grasping his buttocks, knowing that her actions would soon push him over the edge. Soon his speed reached a feverish pace, and he let out a loud moan as he emptied himself into her. They stayed in the tight embrace as his heartbeat returned to normal, Kid tenderly kissing her on the shoulder and the forehead. "I love you, Lou," he whispered, placing his lips on hers. "I love you too, Kid," she replied, hugging him tightly before shifting to return to her side. He snuggled against her once again, and shortly his breathing deepened as he fell asleep. Tears welled in Lou's eyes as she lay close to the man she loved with a depth that sometimes scared her. Images flashed in her head, both new and old, beautiful and ugly, and she willed herself to empty her mind. While waiting for sleep to come, one thought replayed over and over again. I love you, Kid. So why don't I love being with you? ******************** "Thank you so much for inviting me over, Rachel. I was getting desperate for some time away and some girl talk." "It's my pleasure. I know you both have been working hard these past six months. We barely see you in town anymore, and when I do see you, those men always seem to be around. I know we can't live without 'em, but sometimes they just drive me crazy, and it makes me miss talkin' to you something fierce. The other ladies in town are nice enough but way too stiff for my taste!" Rachel exclaimed. Lou and she shared a laugh, thinking about how the other women in town reacted to them both. They were always pleasant enough, but there always seemed to be a hint of disapproval or confusion in their voices, like they weren't sure what to make of them. "I suppose we're practically wild compared to them," Lou replied, shaking her head at the thought. "Though I think my life hardly counts as wild, considering I'm spending most of my time around the house these days." "How are you adjusting to life as a wife? I don't think I've had a chance to ask you that once since you got married, what with all the men around." Lou considered the question and chuckled a bit before answering. "Thanks to you, my cooking is now officially edible. I haven't burned anything in months, and I've mastered enough dishes to keep Kid fed. I'm not sure, but he might actually be telling the truth when he says it's good, so that's a good sign. Poor guy! I think he lost some weight in those first few months. It may not hold a candle to your cooking, but at least it's tolerable now. I didn't want to be the first wife to starve her husband to death," she joked. Rachel giggled, imagining a skinny Kid, begging for some real food. "I'm glad to hear it. I'd love to give you more lessons if you want some help fine-tuning everything, but what helps the most is just practicing. Okay, so you cook. What else are you doing all day?" "I'm cleaning some too, although I can't say I like it much. I keep everything picked up and sweep out the house every day, but I wouldn't say my floors are clean enough to eat off of," Lou said. "And why would anyone be eating off your floors?" Lou rolled her eyes. "It's just an expression, although now that you mention it, it does seem awfully silly. But that gives me another reason not to worry about my floors being spotless, so I won't worry about it. Actually, I'm spending most of the time helping Kid with the horses. It just makes sense because I feel more comfortable out there anyway, and I get to spend more time with Kid." She smiled at the thought of her husband. Rachel noticed her friend's expression and her own softened. "I take it from that smile that Kid is treating you right, being a good husband to you?" "Yes, he's been wonderful. It's like being married to my best friend." "I'm so happy for you! It's important to be friends with your husband - it makes things so much easier. Course I hope things are a little more than friendly in the bedroom!" She giggled until she noticed the smile had faded from Lou's face, replaced by a look of seriousness. "Honey, what's wrong? Was it something I said?" Lou had been lost in her thoughts momentarily and was startled to hear her friend's voice. Composing herself quickly, she replied, "I'm fine. Everything's fine. Must have been daydreaming there for a moment." Rachel moved closer to her friend and patted her hand gently. "Doesn't seem like it was a happy dream. Do you want to talk about it?" "There's nothing to talk about. I'm okay now," she answered, shifting uncomfortably, trying to ignore the tears pricking her eyes. "Lou, you can tell me you're fine until you're blue in the face, but those tears in your eyes tell a different story. I know something must be wrong. You'll feel better if you tell me about it." "I want to, but I don't know where to start," Lou said helplessly, the tears flowing freely now. Rachel embraced her friend for a moment, hoping to show her support. "Okay, then, I'll help you get started. Is it something about your marriage?" Lou nodded solemnly. "Is it something to do with Kid?" Lou nodded again. "Honey, if he's not treating you right, you gotta tell me so I can straighten that boy out. Is he hurting you in some way?" she asked as gently as possible. Lou shook her head strongly. "No, it's nothing like that. He's just as loving as he always was. But I'm afraid I'm not loving him like I should be." "What do you mean? Have you been cross at him? I know you two get in fights now and again, but I thought you both got along well." "It's not that. It's not what I'm doing; it's what I'm not doing that's the problem." Rachel stared at her for a moment, clearly confused. "I'd love to help you, but I'm lost. You gotta tell me what's wrong, or else I can't help." Lou took a deep breath and steeled herself to broach the delicate subject. Remembering what had triggered her emotions, she decided to use that as a way to get the conversation started. "What you said earlier about being only friendly in the bedroom…I think that's us," she whispered and looked away, ashamed at admitting it. Rachel's eyes widened in comprehension. No wonder she's so embarrassed! "That's nothing to be ashamed about. It takes some time for newlyweds to get used to each other. The old saying about practice making perfect is definitely true. Just take some time, and I'm sure you'll both get the hang of it. If you're anything like most newlyweds, you can't keep your hands off of each other anyway, so you'll have plenty of chances to practice!" Lou put her head in her hands and mumbled something. "I couldn't hear you. What did you say?" Lou raised her eyes and glanced mournfully at Rachel. "That's the problem. We're not like most newlyweds." "Don't you two want to be intimate?" "Kid does." "But you don't?" Lou nodded and looked down again, feeling frustrated and confused. Rachel saw her pain but still wasn't sure what was causing it. A terrible thought crossed her mind, and though she told herself it was impossible, she knew she had to ask. "Lou, is Kid forcing himself on you or being too rough?" Lou's whole body jerked as she violently shook her head. "No! He'd never do anything like that. In fact, it's just the opposite. Whenever I tell him I don't want to or ask him to stop, he does immediately. When we are intimate, he's always so gentle and loving. He's doing everything right. It's all my fault that we aren't close much." "So if he's not treating you badly, then why don't you want to be close to him in that way? It's natural for a husband and wife to have that special time together. You two always seemed so affectionate before you got married. And weren't you the one who was trying to push him into not waiting until you got married?" Lou let out an exasperated sigh. "That's just it, Rachel! It don't make any sense. I love him so much, and I know he loves me, and I wanted to be with him real bad before we got married. But now that we can anytime we want, I keep pushing him away, and I don't know why." "There must be a reason you keep pushing him away. We just need to figure it out." Rachel paused, unsure how to ask such delicate questions. "I know Kid is gentle, but does it ever hurt you? Sometimes if couples move too fast, the woman's body might not ready, and it can hurt. Are you able to enjoy yourself?" "I think I know what you mean, but it doesn't hurt. And it does feel nice, but…" "Not as nice as you thought it would?" Lou nodded. "It's just that, well, Kid always has a…big reaction." "And that doesn't happen to you every time?" Lou whispered, "It's never happened to me." Rachel finally felt like they were getting somewhere. "That must be frustrating for you. It's not too surprising, though, since I'm guessing you were Kid's first?" Lou nodded. "It's understandable he wouldn't know what to do. Men don't need much to get satisfaction, but women need a little more attention. You just have to let him know what you like and don't like. Have you talked about this with him?" "It's too embarrassing," Lou said, blushing at the thought. Rachel laughed a little. "I'm not laughing at you, Lou, just remembering the early days with my husband. I know it can feel a little strange, but if you are doing those things, you ought to be able to talk about it!" Lou smiled sheepishly. "I know I should, but I don't know what to say. I don't want him to feel guilty, like it's his fault, when I know it's my fault." "Why do you keep blaming this all on yourself? It's nobody's fault that these things happen. You just need to work through them as a couple. You can start by giving some guidance to Kid. If you feel too embarrassed to say what you want, then you can always just move his hands in the right direction. Men may not always be the most perceptive, but even they can pick up on that hint," she said jokingly. "That's just it - I don't know what I want. So how am I supposed to tell him what to do if I don't know?" Rachel thought a moment. "Well, you could just encourage him to explore a bit. Help you figure out what you want. Between the two of you, you should be able to figure it out." "But he does try to do things…but I always push him away or stop him. That's why it's my fault. He's trying, but I won't let him." "Why? If you're unhappy with it, and you want it to get better, why don't you let him? Don't you like what he's doing?" "I don't know. At first I do, but then it's like my mind goes blank, or sometimes I'm even thinking about things around the house or something completely unrelated. It's like I can't focus, so I get frustrated and push him away because I don't want to disappoint him if I don't enjoy it." "Don't you think pushing him away disappoints him? I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, honey, just hoping you'll see this from his perspective. Kid's a good man, and I'm sure he wants to give you pleasure. When you push him away, it's like saying you don't want his love." Lou started crying again as she remembered the look of hurt and confusion she often saw on Kid's face. "I know I am hurting him, and that makes me feel even more guilty. Then I just think it's better to avoid it altogether because I don't want to disappoint him. But I know that disappoints him even more. I feel like no matter what I do, he will get hurt. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do!" she exclaimed in frustration. Again Rachel comforted her friend and let her cry out her pain before she continued. She had a feeling what might be the cause of Lou's problems, but it wasn't an easy subject to address. "Lou, I need to ask you something, and I know it's gonna bring up some bad memories, but I think it might help you to talk about it. When you were working in the saloon, did you do something similar when you were with customers? Did you take your mind away so you wouldn't have to deal with it?" Lou's eyes widened in shock as her mind went back to the time in her life that she had tried her best to bury. She remembered her first experiences with clients, how painful, humiliating and shameful it had been, to the point that she didn't want to live any more. She had been so overwhelmed, knowing that she couldn't do that again, but also knowing that she had no other choices. One of the other girls had found her like that, and in a moment of surprising tenderness and compassion, she told Lou her own secret for survival. "Just think about something else," she had said, "anything else, whatever will distract you. You could think about your dreams for the future, or the new dress you want to buy or even what you had for breakfast. As long as you ain't thinking about what's happening to you, you'll make it. And if you can't do that, just wipe your mind clean and think about nothing at all. But whatever you do, don't think about where you are and what you're doing." Her words echoed in her mind, and she realized that was exactly what she had done in the saloon, and that was exactly what she was doing now. "Oh my gosh! That is what I'm doing now. How could I do that to Kid? How could I treat him like a stranger? What kind of wife am I?" Rachel answered reassuringly, "You're the kind of wife who had a very hard life and had to do what she needed to do to survive. You can't expect those memories to just go away, and you can't expect your mind and body not to do what you trained them to do. But now that you know why you're acting this way, you need to work at trying to change. A good start would be talking to Kid, telling him what you told me." "How could I possibly tell him that without hurting him? He will think I don't love him," she replied, regarding Rachel skeptically. "I don't know if you can avoid hurting him, but he needs to know. And you two will never move past this unless you can talk about it, get it out into the open. Besides, it's hurting you both now. This is your chance to make it better." Lou knew Rachel was right, but she also knew it wouldn't be easy to discuss with Kid. The possibility of a solution gave her some hope, and she decided she would have to try. As she thought about this, another issue came to her mind. "Rachel, even if we do talk about it, how will that make things better? How do I change the way I'm acting? I'm afraid that even if I allow my mind to focus on us, I still won't be able to enjoy myself, at least not like he does. And then if I don't, won't it be like I'm saying to him that he's not good enough?" "Well, I know one thing for sure. If you let yourself get so worked up and nervous about it, you'll never be able to let go and receive the pleasure he wants to give you. It's gonna take some time, and I don't promise that instantly everything will get better. But if you give it time and more importantly, if you keep talking to one another, then I know it will get better for both of you. I promise." Rachel smiled at Lou and was relieved to see that her friend looked reassured. "Now, Lou, how about some coffee and some cookies?" "I think I better head on home. I need some time to think about all this before I see Kid," Lou said, rising and moving towards the door. Rachel followed her. "Okay, I understand. I know it's a lot to think about. But you let me know if you ever need to talk about this again. That's what I'm here for." "Thanks. Maybe you can come visit me soon. You'll be amazed at everything we've done to the place. And another cooking lesson might not be a bad idea. See you soon." Lou was about to leave when one of deepest fears surfaced. She felt silly asking it, but she knew she had to hear the answer, or she'd never make peace with herself. "Rachel, there is one more thing. Do you…do you think I deserve to enjoy myself, after all I've done? Since Kid wasn't my first, maybe I ought to just focus on him and not think about myself. Isn't that selfish to be so concerned about myself?" Rachel placed her hands on her shoulders and looked seriously into her eyes. "Listen to me, Louise. You deserve to have every bit of pleasure you can get. You're a beautiful, intelligent and caring woman, and your husband loves you with all his heart. He wants to make you happy just as much as you want to be happy. Trust me. Nothing makes a man prouder than knowing he takes care of his wife in that way. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for him. And don't forget - if the Lord didn't intend for you to enjoy yourself, He wouldn't have made it so dang fun!" Lou chuckled and hugged her friend. Whispering a quick thank you, she walked towards her horse, hoping a ride would help her sort through all the thoughts and feelings running through her mind. ******************** Over the next few days, Lou thought almost constantly about Rachel's advice and how she was going to approach Kid about it. She knew she couldn't put it off much longer because already she was losing her nerve, but the moment never seemed right to bring it up. Finally one evening as she prepared dinner, she decided that she would bring it up after dinner. She had no idea of his thoughts and feelings and was still afraid of insulting him or making him feel guilty in some way, but she knew that they had to talk. Just as she was beginning to dish up their meals, Kid entered the kitchen and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before settling at the table. After she joined him at the table and Kid said grace, they ate their dinner and discussed some of the horses they had recently purchased. Lou relished one more easy conversation before she introduced such an embarrassing topic. All too soon for Lou's liking, they had finished eating, and she began to clear the table, mentally rehearsing her words. "Lou?" Kid said uncertainly. "Do you think we could talk after I finish up in the barn?" Lou paused, the dish she was washing still in her hand. "Okay. Do you want me to make some coffee?" she asked casually, her mind racing on the inside. What does he want to talk about, she wondered. I hope he makes it quick 'cause if I put this off any longer, I'll never be able to talk to him about it! "That sounds good. I won't be long," he replied, grabbing his hat and heading out the door. After placing the coffee on the stove to boil, she finished washing and drying the dishes, carefully putting them away despite her distracted mind. She poured two cups and carried them out to the front porch where she took her usual place on the porch swing. After their marriage, they had quickly settled on the routine of her waiting for him on the front porch while he readied the stock for the night. The familiarity of the routine felt comforting now, and she also welcomed the darkness of the evening to hide her embarrassment. Kid joined her on the swing, and she handed him his cup of coffee. He nodded his thanks and sipped it appreciatively, saying nothing for several minutes. Lou noticed that he had not put his arm around her as usual and wondered why. Just as she decided to ask him what he wanted to talk about, he finally spoke. "Are you happy, Lou?" The question caught her off guard. Was he not happy, she wondered. Though fear threatened to lead her to jump to conclusions, she held herself together and attempted to answer as calmly as possible. "Yes, I'm happy. Are you?" "I am. It's seems like my life is finally falling into place. I don't remember the last time I felt this happy." He took her hand, squeezing it gently. "Then why did you ask me if I'm happy?" Lou asked. She felt somewhat reassured by his words and his touch, but his question still confused her. Kid shifted nervously. "It's just that, sometimes you don't seem happy, like maybe you're distracted. And I've been thinking that maybe I'm doing something wrong." Lou glanced at Kid, confusion marring her features. "I don't understand. When am I acting like that?" "It's not when…it's where." Kid took a deep breath. "In the bedroom." Feeling a shock course through her, she unconsciously pulled back her hand and shifted her body away from him. She had no idea what to say, how to respond. Her worst fears, that he had noticed her lack of response, were true. Though Rachel had reassured her that she wasn't to blame, she couldn't help but think what an awful wife she was. Her movement away from him had felt like a slap in the face to Kid. He had hoped that perhaps he was imagining things, but he now knew that something was wrong, and it was probably all his fault. Exasperated, he said, "It's like what you just did! You're always pulling away from me, like you don't want me touching you. At first I thought you needed more time to get comfortable with me, and that was okay. I was figurin' everything out too. But now it's like you'll do anything so I don't touch you, or even worse, so you don't have to…be intimate with me. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong so I could make it better." He trailed off to a whisper, feeling ashamed at his lack of skill. It was mortifying to think he couldn't even please his wife, and he was ready to do anything to show her how much he loved her. Lou couldn't believe it. Kid blames himself? "You're not doing anything wrong, Kid. It's not your fault…it's mine." "How could it be your fault? Everything you do is wonderful. The way you touch me, the way you kiss me…" He blushed. "It's perfect. It's like you know exactly what to do. But it seems like everything I try isn't right. I've been wondering, maybe you wish you had someone more experienced…like one of the men from the saloon." He lowered his head, unable to handle the thought that another man had given her pleasure like he couldn't. Even more shocking than hearing he blamed himself was the idea that she had compared him to her former clients. She took his hand in hers and then used the other the raise his chin, forcing him to look into her eyes. "Nothing could be further from the truth. I never enjoyed what I had to do at the saloon. Not once. It was so bad that I couldn't even think about it while it was happening. I had to focus on something else or just make my mind blank. Even doing that, it was still awful. It may have been my choice, but sometimes it was just like what Wicks did to me…" She stopped and sobbed, her shoulders heaving from the weight of her memories. The pain was still so fresh that any mention of it brought her back to those awful days. Kid wrapped her in his arms, stroking her hair softly and whispering words of comfort. Though he blamed himself for reviving such painful memories, he understood that he desperately needed to be reassured. His head told him that Lou had loathed her time in the saloon and had chosen the dangerous work of the Pony Express just to get away from it, but his heart wondered if there was even one man in her experiences who had brought her pleasure. Knowing that it was not so lightened his heart even as he comforted her in her grief. Gradually her tears ceased, but Kid continued to hold her close, both enjoying the feeling of intimacy and connection in the moment. Lou hated to break the connection but eventually pulled away slightly, aware that she still needed to share the cause of their current problems, the part for which she fully blamed herself. "The other day when I was visiting Rachel, she helped me to understand why I've been acting so distant with you. I never meant to, and I feel awful about it. I didn't even realize I was doing it. I know you've been blaming yourself, but it really was my fault, and I'm sorry," said Lou, her voice still quivering slightly. "Lou, honey, I don't understand. What are you talking about?" he asked. "I've been treating you like the men in the saloon. Whenever we get past a certain point, my mind shuts off, and I think about other things, or nothing at all. I didn't mean to; I guess I'm not used to receiving pleasure. So you see? It's not that you aren't doing the right things. I just couldn't handle it. That's why I've been pushing you away and not letting you do certain things. I was afraid I wouldn't enjoy it like I'm supposed to and then I'd disappoint you. I hoped that if I did things for you that you wouldn't notice that I wouldn't let you do things for me. But you did notice, and you blamed yourself, the last thing I ever wanted to happen!" Lou crossed her arms and sat back in frustration. Kid moved close to her, placing his arm around her shoulders and holding her close. "I don't blame you for what's been going on. I believe you when you say you didn't mean to act that way. I know you weren't trying to hurt me. Heck, you've been doing whatever you could to make sure I had a good time. I just want to be able to do the same for you." Lou sighed. "I know. And I want to experience it too. But I'm so afraid. How am I supposed to make my mind do what it's supposed to? What if I can't forget the past and let go? I don't want to disappoint you." Turning his head towards hers, he kissed her gently. "You could never disappoint me, Lou. And I know it's gonna take some time, for both of us. All I'm asking for is the chance to try. You'll be totally in control of everything. If you want me to stop, I will, right away. You don't have to explain yourself, or feel guilty or worry about what you're supposed to do. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing you're supposed to do is enjoy yourself. I don't have any expectations for you, so don't have any for yourself. Just let me touch you and kiss you and love you like you deserved to be loved." The conviction in his voice told her just how much he wanted to make love to her, truly make love to her, and the thought nearly took her breath away. She responded the only way she knew how, kissing him with an intensity and depth that set both of their bodies tingling in anticipation. Lou moved to straddle him, never breaking the kiss. Still unsure, but ready to try, she grabbed his hand and placed it on her breast, eager to begin to really experience his touch. Kid smiled through their kiss and accepted the invitation, massaging her breast through her shirt. They remained locked in the kiss, exploring one another's bodies as if for the first time. Finally, Lou broke the kiss and breathlessly said, "Let's go upstairs" as she ran her fingers just above the waistband of his pants. "Are you sure? We don't have to do anything else tonight." "I'm ready to try. I love you, Kid." "I love you too, Lou." ******************** As the weeks and months passed, Lou and Kid continued to explore and experiment with their lovemaking. When Lou found herself reverting back to her old habits, she asked Kid to stop for a moment to allow herself to refocus on Kid and his touches and kisses. Soon this was no longer necessary. In fact, she began to enjoy what he did so much that she initiated their encounters, often in playful and surprising new ways. One evening he found her sitting on the porch swing waiting for him, wrapped in a blanket. He was pleasantly surprised to discover that was all she was wearing. On another occasion when he came in for lunch, a bathtub full of hot bubbles awaited him in the kitchen. He wisely decided to take the afternoon off, and they shared some steamy moments in the tub, caressing one another in the water. For his part, Kid was absolutely delighted to experience this new sensual side of his beloved wife. Now that he no longer had to hold back, he found himself longing for her even more, eagerly awaiting every opportunity to bring her pleasure. As her desires continued to increase, so did her reactions to his touch, which only encouraged him more to bring her to new heights of ecstasy. Tonight he was determined to cherish her more than ever before; tonight he would be the one to surprise her. Earlier in the day, he had told her that he needed to go into town for some supplies. Normally she would have gone with him, so she protested when he insisted that he go alone. "Why don't you want me to go with you? You know how I like to get away now and then." Sensing her rising frustration, he decided he couldn't keep it a total surprise. "Do you trust me?" "Of course I do," she said impatiently. "Then please stay here while I go to town. All I can say is that I want to surprise you, and if I tell you any more, it won't be much of a surprise." He smiled and kissed her lightly. "Think of it as an afternoon off. Take a bath, read a book, take a nap, whatever you want. I'll be back soon enough, and we'll have a special evening. Oh, and don't worry about cooking dinner, okay?" "Okay, but this better be a good surprise." Her eyes twinkled mischievously. "Hopefully, the best of your life," he replied, holding her tightly to his body and kissing her deeply. When they finally broke apart, they were panting heavily, and Kid had to force himself to leave rather than carry her to bed that instant. In town, he stopped by the restaurant to order some dinner to take home. While he waited for the food, he went into the dressmaker's shop to pick up two packages. The dressmaker handed him both packages and said, "I'm sure she'll like them both, especially this one," indicating the smaller package. Kid blushed a dark red and muttered a quick, "Thank you, ma'am" before escaping outside. After he picked up the food, he rode back towards their ranch, stopping once at a nearby field of flowers to pick a bouquet. When he arrived home, he washed himself as best as he could with the soap and bucket of water he had left in the barn earlier. Dressed in clean clothes that he had previously laid out, he also shaved and combed his hair using the small mirror he had hung up. Balancing the packages and flowers on the basket of food, he carried everything towards the house. He left the food in the kitchen and went to find Lou. Surprised that she wasn't anywhere downstairs, he climbed the stairs and opened the door to their bedroom. He was greeted with a welcome sight - Lou lay stretched out across their bed wearing only a nightgown, her hair still damp from a bath. Kid sat next to her and ran his fingers gently across her cheek, watching her as she awoke from her nap. When she opened her eyes, she smiled at him. "Hey," she said sleepily, sitting up slowly. "Hey yourself," he replied, leaning down to press his lips against hers. "I've got your first surprise for you here." He held out the larger package to her. "Open it." Lou took the package and quickly undid the string and paper. She gasped as she pulled out the light green floral print dress that she had been admiring in the dressmaker's window for months. She had mentioned it to Kid several times, hoping that he might get it for her birthday or Christmas. "It's beautiful, Kid! Thank you!" she exclaimed. Setting the dress carefully aside, she wrapped her arms around his neck and climbed into his lap, kissing him passionately. When he felt her fingers begin to unbutton his shirt, he stopped her hands. "Not that I wouldn't love to do that right now, I still have more surprises for you. You're gonna have to be patient!" Lou pretended to pout, sticking out her bottom lip, which Kid proceeded to nibble on. She giggled and then pushed him away. "Fine, then hurry up with my surprises. I don't like waiting." "Okay, okay. While I'm setting up your next surprise, why don't you try on your new dress? By the time you're dressed, I'll be finished, and you can join me downstairs. And don't open that other package yet. That's your third surprise." He moved towards the door but paused for a moment. "Don't worry, Lou. I'm gonna reward your patience." He winked saucily and shut the door behind him, leaving her to get dressed. Kid quickly set out the meal and lit a few candles to set the mood. He had just placed the flowers in a vase in the center of the table when Lou walked in the kitchen. "I thought the dress was nice, but not having to cook, now that's a treat. It looks good enough to eat." She moved across the room to hug him. "So do you," Kid said, his lips moving down her neck, nipping her lightly with his teeth. Hearing her moan softly, he chuckled. "But I guess we better eat this dinner before we have our dessert." Retreating reluctantly, he pulled out a chair for her and then joined her at the table. Dinner passed quickly as the couple laughed and flirted together. Both were eager for "dessert," the look of desire reflecting clearly in their eyes. Finally, they finished eating and Lou reached out to collect the dishes. Kid took her hand and pulled her towards him. "Let's worry about that later. You still have two more surprises waiting for you upstairs." "Two?" Lou asked, raising her eyebrow. "There was only one more package left." Kid responded by sweeping her up into his arms, causing her to giggle. "You'll just have to wait and see," he said huskily as he carried her up the stairs into their bedroom. He set her down gently on the bed and pointed to the smaller package. "You can open it now." She sat on the bed and pulled off the wrapping paper and string. Inside was a pale blue sleeveless nightgown, trimmed in some of the most delicate lace she had ever seen. She held it up, marveling at the intricacy of the work. "I've never seen anything like this before. Where did you get this?" she asked. Kid blushed as he explained, "The dressmaker had a mail order catalogue from some fancy company back East. I told her I wanted something special, so she showed me the catalogue and helped me pick something out." "I don't know how I feel about you looking at lacy nightgowns with another woman," she teased before rising to stand before him. "But remind me to thank the dressmaker." Standing on her toes, she ran her tongue across his lips, tracing the contours seductively. "Turn around, and I'll give you a nice surprise," she added. He complied, eager to see her in the new nightgown. After quickly undressing and slipping into it, she said, "Kid? You can turn around now." When he did, she added shyly, "Surprise." His eyes opened wide as he saw how snugly the thin material hugged her body, particularly around the fullness of her breasts. His breath caught as he saw her erect nipples peaking through the material, his desire swelling at the sight. Unable to speak, he lifted her into his arms and laid her on the bed, pausing a moment to gaze at her beauty again. She giggled as he goggled so openly at her. "Are you gonna stare, or are you gonna do something, cowboy?' He raised an eyebrow and then strode across the room purposefully. Before she knew it, his body was pressed into hers, his hands restraining hers above her head as he kissed her intensely. As quickly as it began, he pulled away, watching with satisfaction as her chest heaved as she gasped for breath. "This is your last surprise," he said. "Hope you like it." With that, he stood before her and began to unbutton his shirt. As she watched him unbutton each button slowly, she realized just how erotic it was to watch him undress for her. Usually they quickly stripped off their clothes, too eager for what was to come to savor the moment. Now his chest was bare for her, and her eyes wandered, taking in the tanned, hard muscles and the downy hair that covered them. Her gaze followed the trail down his stomach, and as if sensing it, he began to untie his pants, pushing them over his hips to reveal his stiff member pressing against his long johns. He chuckled as he saw her still hungry gaze and removed the bottoms. Lou recovered and joked playfully, "That's not a surprise. I've seen that before." Accepting the challenge, Kid moved to stand next to the bed. "That's not the surprise, Lou. The surprise is what I'm gonna do to you. Are you ready?" he whispered seductively. She responded by lifting herself up just enough to pull the nightgown over her head and then laid her head back against the pillows, unconsciously opening her legs slightly, her body aching for his touch. Kid sat next to her, placing a gentle kiss on her lips. When her hands moved to touch him, he stilled them. "This is your surprise. All I want from you is for you to enjoy it," he whispered, kissing her lightly again. When he looked up from the kiss, she smiled at him and moved her hands behind her head, signaling her willingness for his caresses. She lay there before him, open and vulnerable, finally able to trust in his desire to please her. Moving to sit between her legs, Kid lifted one foot, massaging it gently before kissing the bottom of her foot. His fingertips skimmed the surface of her foot, moving up her calf and pausing at her thigh before trailing back down her leg once more. He continued his teasing caresses, each time moving closer and closer to the center of her longing. Feeling the tingling need and warm moisture grow in her, she spread her legs further, silently begging for his touch. For one aching moment, his fingers brushed against her womanhood, only to move down her other leg. Lou moaned in pleasure and frustration, desiring his touch in one place only. After stroking her other leg, Kid replaced his fingers with his mouth, placing light kisses up and down both legs. Soon his tongue followed, focusing on her thighs, licking from her knee up, but stopping just before he reached her moist heat. He paused for a moment, causing Lou to open her eyes and to look down at him. When their gaze met, his tongue flicked her longing teasingly, and he smiled proudly at the sound of satisfaction she made. Thinking he would finally give her what she so strongly desired, she opened her herself completely to him; however, he did not comply. He moved up her body, his hand trailing up her stomach to rest on her breasts. Alternating between massaging deeply with his palms and touching lightly with his fingertips on one breast, he took the other into his mouth, sucking and stroking her nipple with his tongue. Lou felt her need increase, and she longed for his touch more than ever. Just when she was about ready to beg him to touch her, his hand moved to caress her button, massaging it lightly between his fingertips. The sensations he was giving her took over her whole consciousness; all she could focus on was his touch. She briefly wondered if it could possibly get any better, when suddenly he showed her it could. Stilling the motion of his hand, he kissed his way back down. His fingertips massaged her gently along the sides of her womanhood as his tongue began to lick from the opening up to her button. At first his tongue's caresses were feather light, barely skimming the surface of her eager skin. Soon they became more insistent, matching the increasing intensity of her moans. Her hips lifted rhythmically, moving to meet his kisses, urging him to continue. She closed her eyes, focusing solely on the feelings he was creating in her, but opened them abruptly when she felt him gently slide a finger inside of her. While Kid had been pleasuring her with his hands and mouth for the past few months, he had never before touched inside of her. At first the sensation seemed a bit awkward and unfamiliar, and she stopped the movement of her hips and her moaning unconsciously as she adjusted to this new experience. Sensing her unease, he removed his finger and kissed her thigh lightly, looking up to meet her gaze. "Don't stop," she murmured. "Are you sure?" he asked. She nodded. "It's just new. I need a minute to get used to it. But I think it might feel good when I do." She lifted up slightly so that she could reach down and run her fingers through his hair. Then she directed his face closer to her desire. He smiled and then began to fulfill her unspoken request. His tongue sensually flicked her button over and over, bringing her back to a place of desire and need. After she resumed the insistent moans and the thrusting of her hips, he returned his finger inside of her, stroking gently on her inner walls. As he explored, he found a place slightly different in texture and began to focus his touch on that spot. His remaining fingers hugged the outside of her womanhood, massaging gently in time with the flicks of his tongue and the strokes of his finger inside of her. Her moans of pleasure grew louder, and he once again matched her intensity. Lou felt an overwhelming tingling building in her that she had never before experienced, as his fingers and mouth caressed her in this new way. She wasn't sure what was happening to her, but the feeling of ecstasy took control, and all she knew was that she wanted more. "More," she begged. "Please, more." Suddenly her moans turned into high-pitched screams, mixed with cries of "Yes!" Her hips bucked wildly, and her hands gripped the sheets, as if she would fly away if she didn't hold on. Her breath heaving desperately and her toes curling reflexively, she felt as if she were no longer in control of herself, that she was lost in pounding waves of ecstasy. The pleasure pulsed within her until she let out a final scream of delight. She continued to moan quietly as her breathing and heartbeat slowed, until an amazing feeling of contentment spread from her depths, radiating to the rest of her body. She sighed with satisfaction and then opened her eyes lazily. Kid was still lying on his stomach between her legs, his face hovering uncertainly above her womanhood. He removed his finger gently and looked quizzically up at her, a little uncertain at what had just happened. While he was pretty sure that it had been a good thing, he had never before heard her make those noises or seen her body react so strongly. "Lie next to me," she murmured, patting the bed beside her. When he was lying by her side, she snuggled up to him, resting her head upon his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, and for a few moments, they both enjoyed the intimacy of the moment without words. Soon Kid's confusion returned, and he knew he had to ask what appeared to be a very dumb question. "So what just happened?" Lou giggled. "It was your surprise. Don't you know?" She glanced at him, but he mumbled something incoherent and didn't meet her eyes. "Kid, it's okay," she said, directing his gaze to look into her eyes. "To be honest, I don't fully understand it myself. All I know was that it was wonderful, the best I've ever felt." Kid beamed proudly at her words, knowing that he was the one who brought her such pleasure. "I'm glad we don't have any close neighbors, or else they might have showed up wondering what was going on," he joked. After pausing a moment, he observed, "You never made noises like that before. Or moved around like that neither." Lou smiled at the simplistic way he described what for her was a moment of earth-shaking passion. "I know. I've never felt like that before." Thinking about her own reactions, a thought occurred to her. "Do you think it was something like what happens to you when you, um, explode?" "Uh, Lou, girls don't do that," he said, the bewildered look returning to his face. She swatted him mockingly. "Not the exact same thing, silly. I don't exactly have the right equipment for that, in case you didn't notice. No, I meant something like that. You always have one moment where it's like you lose control. Maybe that's what happened to me. I certainly wasn't planning on acting like that - I didn't even know I could sound like that. It just happened, like I couldn't help it. Is that how it is with you?" "Yeah, I suppose so," he considered. "It almost feels like something takes over my body and my mind. I can't think about anything else." Lou nodded. "That's just how it was. Well, whatever it was, I hope it happens again." Her eyes twinkled mischievously at him. Kid chuckled. "I suppose that could be arranged. But don't you think that someone else deserves some attention now?" He raised his eyebrow at her suggestively. Lou sat up and straddled him, looking into his eyes intensely. "Considering you just gave me the best surprise I've ever had, maybe I could do something for you." Leaning forward, she stroked his lips teasingly with her tongue before drawing him into a deeper kiss. As their mouths continued their dance, she ground herself into his aching shaft, letting him finally feel her warmth and moisture. He moaned longingly, enjoying the sensations, but wanting desperately to be surrounded and gripped by her. He attempted to roll her beneath him, but she pushed him back down on to the bed, lacing her fingers with his and holding them above his head. "Uh uh, you're mine now. Let me take care of you, cowboy," she whispered. Releasing his hands, she paused a moment to see if he would try to move again. Having received the message loud and clear, Kid remained still and awaited the pleasure she wanted to give. Lou smiled and proceeded to show him. Moving between his legs, she raked her fingertips lightly against his thighs, never breaking her gaze from his. Even when she leaned forward to take him into her mouth, her eyes remained locked with his, wanting to see the pleasure she would give him. First she licked the tip of his shaft gently, swirling her tongue around him. Encouraged by his deepening moans, she encircled him with her lips, sliding down to take him. One hand moved to caress his sac gently, while the other stroked the area not covered by her lips. Slowly at first, then increasing in speed, she moved him in and out of her mouth, her fingers gripping him tightly and stroking in rhythm with the movements of her tongue. Soon he began to buck wildly, and she knew he was close. Withdrawing from his member, she straddled him again, this time teasing him by allowing her opening to barely touch the head of his shaft. He strained in sweet agony, waiting for her to allow him inside. Finally, he could wait patiently no longer, and he grabbed her buttocks in his hands, squeezing and pushing her closer to him, hoping she would understand what he needed. Lou knew exactly what he needed and decided it was time to give it to him. Bending down to give him a quick kiss, she then took his member and guided it to her entrance. She slid in and out slowly, enjoying the sensations as he came deeper and deeper into her depths. When he filled her completely, she paused a moment to revel in their closeness before grasping his shoulders to brace herself as she began to thrust against him. As she pushed harder and faster, she felt the same tingling sensation began to build inside of her, urging her again for more and more of him. With one hand still gripping her buttocks and pulling her towards him, Kid reached out with the other to stroke her just where she longed to be touched. He watched in ecstasy as she rode him wildly, her screams high-pitched and insistent once again. The sight sent him over the edge, exploding inside of her as she continued to pound her body against his member, as if she couldn't get enough. Even after his climax had passed, Lou satisfied herself with his still hard shaft until finally her rocking began to slow. She sank forward onto his chest, listening to the beating of his heart. He held her close, not wanting to break the connection between them. Finally she pulled away slightly, groaning a bit when he no longer filled her. She rested her head against his chest again as he wrapped his arm around her, feeling safe and secure and satisfied in his embrace. This time, no words were needed. They both knew that this was how it was meant to be, and they had discovered it together. Even more exciting was the thought that they had the rest of their lives together to learn how to better please one another. It was going to be an amazing journey. Special thanks to Ellie, Shannon, Jen and all those who believe in Kid and Lou. Email Kathleen TYR EXPRESSions Home